Green Spiders
I sat on the bus, and as we passed by John, still on the sidewalk waiting for his bus, I looked out of the window. He was talking to Ariel, the girl I sat by in second block.
Ariel was a really nice person, and she had a good taste in music. She and her sister, Lauren, both were easy people to get along with.
But, despite that, I felt a little bitter as I watched them talking. The bus drove out of the parking lot and toward my neighborhood, and I sat in my seat, alone.
The truth, I admitted to myself, was that I was jealous of anyone John spoke to or hung out with other than me.
Before I had met John, I had never really had a boyfriend that I cared about very much. So I could have boyfriends that would hug other girls and spend more time talking to one of their guy friends than me and it wouldn't bother me at all. But now I had John, and I just didn't know how to deal with my jealousy.
As I continiued to think about it, I got frustrated and felt tears welling up in my eyes. There was a love song that kept playing in my head that I had heard during Drama (we had gotten to the meaningful song project), and it added to my depression and made me feel worse. I hated crying at school, so when I felt pressured to stop it made me want to cry more.
I closed my eyes and tried to gain control of myself. I had to stop that song from playing. I thought about the words to "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" and focused on them.
The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout
Down came the rain and washed the spider out
Up came the sun and dried up all the rain
And the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again
I breathed a little bit, and began feeling better. Now, let's see if you can do this without crying, I thought. It wasn't that I didn't trust John, either. I would trust him with my life, easily. I knew he wasn't going to do anything with one of his girl friends. I suppose I just wanted his attention.
But that didn't make much sense; he gave me his attention any time I needed it. He never ignored me or blew me off to go spend time with anyone else.I mean, he would tell me that he was going to call Ariel or Holly (one of his other friends who is the sweetest freaking girl I know) after we were finished talking on the phone, but it wasn't like that was blowing me off. That was just talking to other people.
Why was it that I couldn't be comfortable with John having relationships with people? Especially people I knew and liked a lot?
I felt close to crying again. I thought of the song.
The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout
Down came the sun and dried the spider out
Up came the rain and dried the... oh, wait... those aren't the right words...
I mean, even his relationship with Tyler made me feel upset. Sometimes I just felt like John was closer to Tyler than he was to me. It just bothered me, it made me jealous. I don't know what I wanted John to do, I couldn't possibly expect him to cease all communication with other people besides me.
Come on, think of the words, the right words.
The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout
Down came the rain and dried the spider out
Up came the sun and dried up all the rain
And the itsy bitsy spider went down...
No, I did it wrong again. The love song kept playing, and I kept thinking about John, and I was finding it very difficult not to cry.
"Do you have acne?"
A little girl, Indie, was talking to me now. She was a sweet girl, usually...
"Yes," I said quietly.
"It doesn't show." And she turned around and continiued whatever she had been doing previously.
Tears welled up in my eyes again. I felt an infinite amount of gratitude toward her. Why, at that very moment, had she decided to speak to me? Hardly anyone on the bus ever spoke to me. I didn't understand. Was it karma? Did I even have good karma?
The bus was pulling up to my house. I stood up and walked down the aisle towards the front.
I swallowed my need to cry, at least for that moment.
Ariel was a really nice person, and she had a good taste in music. She and her sister, Lauren, both were easy people to get along with.
But, despite that, I felt a little bitter as I watched them talking. The bus drove out of the parking lot and toward my neighborhood, and I sat in my seat, alone.
The truth, I admitted to myself, was that I was jealous of anyone John spoke to or hung out with other than me.
Before I had met John, I had never really had a boyfriend that I cared about very much. So I could have boyfriends that would hug other girls and spend more time talking to one of their guy friends than me and it wouldn't bother me at all. But now I had John, and I just didn't know how to deal with my jealousy.
As I continiued to think about it, I got frustrated and felt tears welling up in my eyes. There was a love song that kept playing in my head that I had heard during Drama (we had gotten to the meaningful song project), and it added to my depression and made me feel worse. I hated crying at school, so when I felt pressured to stop it made me want to cry more.
I closed my eyes and tried to gain control of myself. I had to stop that song from playing. I thought about the words to "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" and focused on them.
The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout
Down came the rain and washed the spider out
Up came the sun and dried up all the rain
And the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again
I breathed a little bit, and began feeling better. Now, let's see if you can do this without crying, I thought. It wasn't that I didn't trust John, either. I would trust him with my life, easily. I knew he wasn't going to do anything with one of his girl friends. I suppose I just wanted his attention.
But that didn't make much sense; he gave me his attention any time I needed it. He never ignored me or blew me off to go spend time with anyone else.I mean, he would tell me that he was going to call Ariel or Holly (one of his other friends who is the sweetest freaking girl I know) after we were finished talking on the phone, but it wasn't like that was blowing me off. That was just talking to other people.
Why was it that I couldn't be comfortable with John having relationships with people? Especially people I knew and liked a lot?
I felt close to crying again. I thought of the song.
The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout
Down came the sun and dried the spider out
Up came the rain and dried the... oh, wait... those aren't the right words...
I mean, even his relationship with Tyler made me feel upset. Sometimes I just felt like John was closer to Tyler than he was to me. It just bothered me, it made me jealous. I don't know what I wanted John to do, I couldn't possibly expect him to cease all communication with other people besides me.
Come on, think of the words, the right words.
The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout
Down came the rain and dried the spider out
Up came the sun and dried up all the rain
And the itsy bitsy spider went down...
No, I did it wrong again. The love song kept playing, and I kept thinking about John, and I was finding it very difficult not to cry.
"Do you have acne?"
A little girl, Indie, was talking to me now. She was a sweet girl, usually...
"Yes," I said quietly.
"It doesn't show." And she turned around and continiued whatever she had been doing previously.
Tears welled up in my eyes again. I felt an infinite amount of gratitude toward her. Why, at that very moment, had she decided to speak to me? Hardly anyone on the bus ever spoke to me. I didn't understand. Was it karma? Did I even have good karma?
The bus was pulling up to my house. I stood up and walked down the aisle towards the front.
I swallowed my need to cry, at least for that moment.
posted by Diary of a Ghost at 12:20 PM
2 Comments:
Well, when you explained to me that you didn't want me to hug John in the past, it came off in a "joking" sort of way. I didn't know why you wanted me to, I just knew that you did, and you know how I am, the crime's fine if there's no reason.
Well since this whole escapade is my fault (I hugged John), I feel like I need to explain why I hugged him everyday. So here it is: I would wake up everyday morning looking to forward to going to school for the simple reason that I get to see my friends. I'd get to school, and I'd see them all, not just John, and I know my day will be ok, no matter what some retarded teacher does. But I can say, that out of the whole clique, John was the closest (besides for you, 14 years and going). I give him hugs, because I feel close, and not in a gay way. If John ever offered to have sex with me, I would have to say, that I'd have to take his mom out on a date, and NEVER call her back.lol I felt the need to give him hugs to let him know I do care, even when no one else does. Sure, words can do alot in a friend's relationship, but I really think that touch is just as important if not more. And you shouldn't worry that who loves who more. I promise John would probably sooner kill me than stop loving you Marina. I do love John, but it's in a strictly friendly way. I treat him like family, to make up for our family, whom I can't relate to. And the whole thing where it's a father/son relationship, I wasn't kidding. I really have no idea who my dad is anymore. We don't talk about anything meaningful, and he can't seem to talk to me at all without getting mad at me. Ever since he bought the boat, he's been spending more time in and around it, than me. And frankly, it's probably the best thing for me, but I know it's wrong on his part. He's just become neglectful. He won't take me to the doctor for my back, he won't bring mr to get my hair cut, and he made me pay for my own supper the other day (I didn't mind, but I shouldn't have to). I love him and all, but, lately, he hasn't felt like family. Last night, Hollie asked me, what if my dad died. I automatically said, " I'd be an orphan". I didn't say anything like "I'd have to kill myself, or, I'd just stop living". I just said, "I'd be an orphan". So, I've sorta fit John into the father mold. I needed it. But it if you really need us to stop touching, so be it. I'll stop.
Jealousy takes so much out of people...
It is a very negative emotion that everyone feels. I don't struggle with jealousy as much as an adult but I do struggle with trust...
It is something that you need to let go of in order to have healthy relationships. I don't know if I have ever been in a healthy relationship per say but I know that jealousy just doesn't help.
If you love him you just are going to have to trust him. If that means he talks and hangs around with others then you need to find a way of dealing with those negative feelings when they come.
Good luck... don't let these feelings mess with your relatioinship though. Like you said he always takes time for you and he would always be there for you if you needed him so hold on to that when you start feeling bad... that might get you through it easier than singing itsy bitsy spider... but that was very cute to read....
Good luck you...
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