Means A Lot To Me

John was sitting on the couch talking to me in the middle of Lorna's living room. It was her birthday. I wasn't sitting on the couch next to him, though, because Lindsay and Chris were occupying that particular spot. I sat on the floor next to him, having one of the most pleasant conversations I'd ever had.

At one point, everyone brought out glow-sticks and silly string and began, as Lorna called it, "moshing." "Moshing" refers to when all of Lorna's friends play metal really loudly on a stereo and begin jumping on each other and fighting and such in the middle of the floor. The glow-sticks and silly string were kind of used as weapons.

Although this "moshing" looked terribly fun, I decided that I would much rather talk to John. As the rest of our present company rolled around on the floor, John and I stood off to the side of the room, enjoying our little talk.

Lindsay and Chris were, shall we say, expressing their love for each other in a less verbal way. John and I were both watching them, and then we looked at each other and started laughing.

I'm not quite sure why we had found it funny, but it just might have had something to do with the fact that we were going out. Which still doesn't exactly explain it, but I suppose you would just have to be us to get it.

All thoughts of what Aaron had told me vanished as the night went on. I never really bothered asking John about it, at least not that night, because I had completely forgotten everything else. Nothing mattered except hearing his voice. I did find out later, though, that he hadn't asked Aaron to say anything to me at all. It had apparently been a mere misusage of emphasis on a word on Aaron's part, and a bit of an overreaction on my own.

The entire night, all we did was sit around talking. It was lovely. It was almost as though nobody else was even at the party, because I barely spoke to anyone exept him.

When mom came to pick me up, John just touched me lightly on the shoulder and smiled at me. I'm not sure why, but it had been one of the most meaningful gestures I'd ever seen. He hadn't spent the whole night looking for a spare moment to become less verbal with me. If anything, we had done the complete opposite.

It's one of those things that just means a lot to me.

Reject Candy

I walked over to the table we usually sat at for breakfast and sat down. I put the huge box of chocolate down in front of me.

Tyler sat next to me. "Can I eat one?" he asked as he reached to open the heart-shaped box of confections.

I pulled it away. "No," I said. "We've got to wait on everyone."

"Look, let me just look at them," he begged, pulling it back and opening the box.

Well, of course I coundn't just sit there once he opened them and I saw how good they looked.

"Let's just eat them," I said. "I don't care."

Everyone did. They were quite good.

Now, you might be wondering why I brought a box of candy to school and I let everyone have some. Well, I'll just tell you, then:

I had gone to Wal-Mart and bought the biggest box of Valentine's Day chocolate I could find. I went home and wrote "Reject Candy" on the front of it with a Sharpie Marker. I brought it to school and shared it with the "rejects." In other words, I gave it to all of the people who didn't have a lover.

As everyone was reaping the benefits of my fantastic idea, I watched John talk to Tyler at the other side of the table. I rarely said anything during breakfast; I just wasn't much of a morning person. But even after Aaron had told me that John didn't like me, I had been surprised at how... well, everything had remained exactly the same between me and John. He hadn't treated me any differently.

I looked down at my breakfast tray.

I had been a bit more quiet during lunch for the first few days after me and Aaron's conversation, but eventually I nearly completely forgot what he had told me at all and we were all talking normally again. Maybe... maybe Aaron hadn't meant to say "actually." Perhaps it had been a mistake...

It was just odd, I decided.

I looked up at John once again. He noticed me and gave me a small smile.

Kind of a nice odd, though.

Rarely

I was, once again, sitting with John, John, and Aaron at lunch. Aaron and I had already gotten our food, but John and John hadn't. When they went to go and get in the lunch line, Aaron and I were sitting by ourselves.

I had started to think about all the people I now knew named John when Aaron asked, "Do you think John likes you?"

I looked up from my tray, startled. I said the first thing I could think to say: "What do you mean?"

"I mean, do you actually think John likes you? Like, more than a friend?"

At those words, I'm sure that my face turned white as chalk. No, white as a ghost, which was certainly something I wanted desperately to become at that moment.

"I don't know," I said quietly and lowered my gaze.

When John and John returned to the table, I didn't say as much as I usually did. I was silent for the rest of lunch. When the bell rang, I picked up my bag, said goodbye, and left.

Aaron had said actually. Actually, as in, are you really that pathetic? I knew he wouldn't have even asked if John hadn't told him to. It was, apparently, his way of telling me he didn't like me.

Well, not in that way, at least.

As I walked to my bus that afternoon, I decided I would continiue sitting next to John, John, and Aaron at lunch, but wouldn't pursue any kind of... well, relationship... thing...

I was going to give up. I was used to it. No use, you know?

I tried to cheer myself up, but it wasn't really working.

Rarely does anyone I love love me back.

Everyone Else Puts Makeup On

Lindsay was putting her makeup on in fourth block and I was watching her.

As she finished, she asked me why I had been watching her. "I just like watching people put makeup on," I said. "It's rather odd, I know..."

"No," she said, "it's kind of like watching your mom put makeup on. I always did that, too."

I smiled and nodded.

"That's just what it reminded me of," she said.

I smiled again. It was strange that I hated putting makeup on my own face, but enjoyed watching other people put it on. I suppose that it would make some form of sense that I enjoyed it because it reminded me of my mom.

She turned away and began reading a book. I sighed, a little lonely.

I rested my head on my hands and thought about nothing in particular.